Chapter 145

“I can’t let you go, Tessa.” Jon barely heard the pain and the exhaustion in her voice over the roaring panic in his own head. He couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not like this. He wanted her more than anything he could remember wanting in a very long time.

He’d done everything right, dammit. Given her space, tried to show her that he was ready to talk when she wanted to talk. He cupped her face in both hands, shaking her a little when she wouldn’t look at him.

“Look at me, dammit.” All that red hair shagged around her face, slipping around his fingers in silk and cool fire, but there was none of that fire in her eyes. They were a flat green that was missing all of her sparkle. He smoothed his thumbs over her too prominent cheekbones. She was just slipping away from him by degrees. “Can’t you see that this is killing me?”

She tried to jerk away from him. “You think this is easy?”

“I don’t know, Tessa. Is it? I haven’t gotten a single real emotion out of you in weeks.”

“What part of eggshells didn’t you get?” She pushed at his shoulders. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“What, like now?”

“You don’t want me,” her voice was soft. Delicate in a way that didn’t suit her or the woman he’d fallen in love with.

He wouldn’t do this again. Not ever again. He’d lost Dorothea because he hadn’t fought for her. “We’re stronger together, Tessa. We—“

“We’re not anything,” she interrupted in a whisper. “You might be stronger, but not we. I’ve been slowly losing myself in your world. I kept thinking it was okay to wait it out. That I loved you enough to wait.” Her lower lip trembled a little as if she was going to say something else, but she just lifted her chin and that fucking control returned.

God, he just wanted to rattle her until she felt something. This endless nothing was scaring him. It was like he was trying to hold onto air.

“That what we have is enough. I wanted it,” her voice broke a little, “to be enough.”

“We are enough!” He knew he was shouting, but if that’s what it took, then he’d shout the entire neighborhood down. “We’ve always been enough.”

She reached up, tugging his fingers away from her face. “If it was just you—then maybe it would be enough. But there’s this whole other part of you.” She stepped around him. “You have four gorgeous children that are as much a part of you as breathing. What do we have?”

Jon’s heart slammed into his ribs. Panic chewed at his insides. “It was enough two months ago!” He gripped her hands, not willing to let her slip away. “We’ll make it work. You just need to get to know my family.”

“When?”

He stared at her. He’d start it all over if he could. It happened so fast. A half of a year and she’d changed every part of him. In even less time, he’d found hope and love again. Things he didn’t even know were possible.

Her eyes shuttered. “See…just even by that pause, I know.”

“No!” She tried to twist away from him. “I was just thinking about us. How fast it was.”

“Too fast,” she whispered. “We fell in love with the rush of it, the sex and the holidays. Bad timing.” She shook her head and pulled away. “When two people are at their most vulnerable. We weren’t thinking.”

“You don’t think when you fall in love, Tessa. If that happened then there would be a lot more—“

“Marriages that work.” She raised her voice. “You couldn’t make it work with someone you’ve known a lifetime. We don’t have a single thing to make a foundation.”

He jerked back. “You and me has nothing to do with Dot.”

“What makes us special? All we’ve done is cause each other pain.” She held out a hand and ticked off a finger to each point. “Hiding from your kids, reporters that want to rip me to shreds, a mother who can’t even stand to look at me. We’ve got nothing!”

“You love me!”

“What if I don’t?”

His heart stopped. She did. He knew she did. Nothing could have changed that much between them. “This wasn’t just a fling, Tessa.” His voice was careful. Her eyes wouldn’t stay on his. Her back was to the door, her fingers on the handle. No way was he letting her go. Not like this. “You and I are more than that.”

“A secret relationship? Oh yeah, I’m no better than a mistress. Your precious Dorothea can do no wrong. She wants to hold off on me being a part of everyone’s lives. Okay—can’t upset Dot. You could still be married to her by the way you act.”

Anger burned, hot and raw in his gut. What was so wrong with just wanting her for himself? It was still so new. He wanted something that was just his. Not something he had to share with the world. He was fucking sick of sharing every goddamn thing. “New Year’s? We were out there on the red carpet for fuck’s sake!”

“Just once. To the world as a whole, we’re nothing more than a fling. Just like our reality. And now, we’re a careless pregnancy.”

It wasn’t just a pregnancy. It was a piece of them. A piece she wouldn’t even talk about. “Our baby’s gone, Tessa.” When she stiffened in his arms, fighting to open the door and run again. “I’m here, though. We’re still here and we’re still the same people, just like any other day. We’re just a little hurt and broken, but as long as we do this together, we’ll be okay.”

“I’m not,” she said, staring into the center of his chest. “I’m not the same,” she whispered. “It’s not any other day, and each time I think about that baby I realize that I’m not the same. If I think about that baby and what we were, I go a little crazy. I want to be that woman again, but I’m afraid she died with the baby. All that giddy stupidity. Love will conquer all shit. It’s just that. Shit. ”

She looked up at him finally and her eyes were still that clear bottle green that he’d fallen in love with, but they were different. He felt the acid bubble in his stomach as a single drop of sweat slid down his spine. “You’re still the woman I fell in love with.”

“I’ve always felt just a little outside of your circle, just a little…” Her gaze was that blank wall he just couldn’t get through. “I can’t find my way in anymore, Jon. I can’t be that selfless woman anymore. I just can’t.”

“I won’t push. We’ll take it day by day. I promise you. I even told the kids about you right after we lost the baby. They know. They know how much I love you. We can go and talk to them tomorrow.”

She shook her head. “I can’t.” She twisted away from him, shoving at him until he backed up a few steps. “Can’t you just understand that? I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard,” her voice cracked and he stepped forward.

“Tessa, please!” His hands fisted at his sides.

She just shook her head. “Let me go. Let me go while there’s still something good between us.”

“I-“ Her face wavered as the lights in the room brightened until he had to shut his eyes. The cool April night flooded into his entryway as she ran. When he opened them, she was gone. He stood in that entryway for a long time. Until every part of him was as cold as the spring night.