Chapter 163

The familiar bite of sarcasm and underlying worry in her eyes killed the sting. “Why do you think I’m here?” They both stood where they were. Wariness and the need to hug her best friend had her feet cemented into the floor.

“Decided to join the land of the living finally?”

“Yeah, that whole work thing—funny how it drags you back to your senses.” The need to hug her won out and she ducked under the bar-style end of the cashwrap. She hugged Nic so hard she could feel her protruding belly button. “God, you look amazing.”

“I’m a freaking house!” But the tears were there on her dark lashes and glowing mommy to be face. She hugged her hard back then pushed her away, looking into her eyes. Nic’s eyes were dark and assessing.

She felt stupid in her messy ponytail and ratty clothes. The new woman she was, didn’t quite fit in her old space, but she’d get back there.

“You’re tan.”

She laughed. “Your mom’s house at LBI can do that.”

“You’re still sad.” Nic frowned, tucking a strand of hair behind Tessa’s ear.

“Only a little sad because I left all this to you.”

Nic waved it off. “I can run this place in my sleep—well, what little sleep I get these days. What the hell took you so long?”

She gave her a crooked smile. “You know I hate to leave the beach.”

“Mike!” The skinny receiving guy hunched his shoulders at Nic’s voice, then slowly turned around. “Yeah, boss.” His eyes widened as Tessa stood beside Nic and hightailed it over. “Hey, Tessa!”

She’d been gone far too long if Nic had earned the title, boss.

“Watch the front.”

He bobbed his head. “Sure thing.”

She followed Nic’s waddle to the back room where she’d taken over the space. Her belly clutched a little. The pristine shelves were back to ARC’s shoved in every available space, papers and fliers littered the bulletin board and the desk was piled with summer reading program brochures. The school binder with its required reading lists, lay open to Rumson High.

It looked so normal and yet so different.

It had become Nic’s space.

God, she’d been gone for so long.

Nic dropped into the leather chair and swung around, immediately hopping up when she caught her face. “I’m sorry—“

Tessa waved her back down. “No, it’s okay. Sit, get off your feet for a bit.”

Hesitantly, she lowered herself back into the chair. “We’ve missed you. The store missed you.”

“Well, I missed you and that’s what counts.” Nic frowned but she squatted down in front of her. “Honestly, honey, things are good. I did a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching. Thank God you were here for me to be able to do that.”

In fact, Nic was so capable that she might have to do a little more soul searching. Fresh starts didn’t scare her anymore. She might need to work on that—talk to Jon about that. And she wondered if this wasn’t exactly what she needed to finally settle herself completely.

She told Nic about the beach, about her breakdown. She told her about spending time with Mary and finally about Jon.

“I’ve missed sharing all this stuff with you. I’m no good at doing things alone, girl. I never realized just how much I needed you until you weren’t there.”

Fat tears rolled down Nic’s cheeks. “You aren’t supposed to get a pregnant lady all worked up dammit.”

She hugged her tightly again. “Well, don’t worry—it won’t happen again.”

“And you’re sure about Jon?”

Tessa stood up, ran her hand down the finely crafted desk she’d had built into the room. Amazed that it didn’t seem to fit her anymore, but it suited Nic. Family and stability and the warmth of the wood soaked in tradition. It suited her more than it ever seemed to fit her. At least the new Tessa.

Not that she didn’t want the stability, but she really was looking toward the future now, more than she’d ever allowed herself. Chapters had been the goal for so long, it felt odd to know that she now had new goals percolating.

“Tessa?”

“Hmm?” She swung around. “Oh, yes. Jon.” She lifted herself onto the desk and wiggled her sandy toes. “He fits me. He gets me. He even understands me,” she grinned, “you know that’s a miracle.”

Instead of smiling back at her, Nic frowned. “Don’t gloss over it, woman. You’ve done that before.”

She took her best friend’s hand in both of hers. God, did she know her. “We had the hard talks. We cried about the baby, about us, about what the future means.” She felt the jolt of fear twisted in excitement as it bounced around her belly like a super ball. “He talked about vows for the love of George!”

Nic’s eyes widened to saucers. “What?!”

“Right.” She laughed. The thought of it still terrified her, but it was manageable. It meant the future was in sharper focus, but it was still in the future. God, she should be used to warp speed with that man, but he still managed to throw her off balance all the time. She was pretty sure he got off on throwing her off balance to be honest. “He loves me, Nic. Even the crazy, neurotic parts. Maybe because of my crazy, neurotic parts.”

“Is he what you want?”

The question was right there, in the heart of the matter. He was everything she wanted and never dreamed of hoping for. “He makes me as happy as he does crazy.”

She rubbed her belly absently. “Sounds just like Adam.” Nic looked her over for a moment, reaching for her hand suddenly.

Tessa jumped down and knelt in front of her when Nic put her hand on the side of her belly. She blinked wide as something bumped her hand. “Oh wow!” In all her years, she’d never been close to a woman during their pregnancy. She’d never even stood this close to someone this far along, let alone have it be her best friend.

Nic pulled her hand up to the top of her belly and Tessa gasped as a foot or a fist cleared her skin. “Jesus, Nic.”

“She’s an active little thing.”

Tears blurred her vision for a minute. God, how long had Nic known it was a girl and didn’t tell her? Hell, she hadn’t asked. A baby—a niece for all intents and purposes. She looked up and saw her best friend’s head tilted back, eyes closed. Dark circles were under her eyes, oh there was a valiant effort to cover them, but they were there, none-the-less. “I’m sorry.”

Nichole lowered her head until their eyes met. “For what?”

“I haven’t been here for you to help or even get excited about the baby. I’ve been a total ass.”

“I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed to not have you more involved. I’m not going to lie, Tess, but you’re here now and that’s the important thing to me.”

She sniffed. “I am.”

“Is it hard,” Nic gestured to her belly, “you know—with the big ole bump? I wondered if you stayed away because I was preggo.”

She sat back on her heels, rubbing her hands on her thighs. “Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have that kind of connection to someone. To have a little person grow inside of me.”

“You guys can try again. The doctor didn’t say it was out of the question.”

She smiled up at her eager face. Mommy hormones were in full bloom. “I could, but that’s not where I am in my life. I’m going to be the very best Aunt Tessa to this little girl.” She patted Nic’s belly. “But you know me, Nic. I never wanted kids. I’m just not hardwired for them. Not that I don’t love kids.”

“No, I know you do. You wouldn’t do the storytime for them if you didn’t.” She shrugged. “I just figured one day you’d change your mind.”

“Honey, I just turned thirty-seven.” Hell, she didn’t even remember her own birthday. It was in the middle of her murky melt-down session. “I know I could try to have one. If I asked Jon, we’d be trying the night he came home. I could go the fertility specialist route if I needed to, but I don’t want to.” She wiped the last bit of moisture from her cheeks. “The worst part of dealing with the baby dying wasn’t the baby—it was the knowledge that I didn’t want the baby. That the fact that I’d never wanted children, did I cause that little person to—“

She jerked to a stop when Nichole shook her. “Don’t you ever think that! Oh my God, Tessa Donovan!”

Jeeze, all she needed was the middle name and it was Mary in the living flesh. She leaned forward and hugged her instead. Nic held on so tightly, that she actually got a few good kicks in from the baby as well. “Didn’t say I was smart, Nic.”

“How could you think that?” She sat back in the chair. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

The hurt in her eyes was enough to cut deep. “Honey, I didn’t even know that’s what I was thinking. It was so wrapped up in grief and pushing everyone away that I didn’t know what was going on. I made so many mistakes that it’s a miracle anyone’s even still talking to me.”

“I would have told you, you were stupid months ago if I knew that was in your head!”

Tessa smiled through the last of her tears. “I know you would have, but maybe I wasn’t ready to hear them either.”

Nic tapped her on the forehead. “Moron.”

“Yeah, undoubtedly.” She stood with a groan. Way too long on the floor like that. “I’m going to go take a shower and change into some work clothes and you’re going to go home. It’s time things got back to normal here.” As if she could even recognize normal now.

Nic tried to shake her head.

“Seriously, Nic, I should have been back a long time ago.”

“Then you wouldn’t have Jon.”

The grin that kicked up was completely involuntary. “I have a feeling we would have found our way back around to each other. I can’t seem to see too much of a future without the belligerent pain in the ass.”

Nic slid her arm through hers. “Do tell.”

And she did.