Chapter 154

She heard his heart rate increase just as everything around them stilled. No breeze, no gulls, just the ever constant surf against the rocks. When he tried to pull away, she held on, pressing her cheek tighter to him. She’d been alone for most of her life—even when her parents had been alive and her sister lived in the States, she’d never felt connected to anyone. Not until Jon.

No matter what they’d been through, there hadn’t been anyone quite like him. If they’d had just a little time to figure each other out, a chance to make the relationship work in the day to day—then maybe the miscarriage wouldn’t have felt so huge. “All I ever wanted to do was find a connection,” she said softly.

She felt his lips on her hair as his fingers smoothed down her back. “We are connected, Tessa. You have to know that.”

His voice was rough with emotion. They’d put each other through so much in such a short span of time. And yet, there he was, trying to make her feel better, even now. “Sometimes I believe that. I really do.” She sighed, tucking her hand under her cheek to feel the reassuring thud of his heart. “I never wanted kids.” His hand stopped at the lowest part of her back, where her shorts dipped and her shirt raised. Back and forth, just the tips of his fingers, along her skin, giving her the time and the benefit of the doubt to hear her out.

Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she forced herself to keep talking. “It wasn’t like I grew up in a bad home or anything like that. My parents were…” she trailed off, trying to find a word that would encompass the world she’d lived in for the first eighteen years of her life. “Well, they loved me. I know that they did intellectually, but emotionally,” she shrugged, “they weren’t big on affection.”

She remembered the days of study and the strictly planned vacations that were all about bettering one’s self. A weekend at Six Flags wasn’t an option with the Donovan family. Why would you do that, when you could go to the Smithsonian or the Met? A hug was held for special occasions. I love you’s were uttered in tasteful cards. She was a constant puzzle to her family. From the love she wanted to give, to the retail world she’d chosen over their expected academia.

He hugged her tighter. “I can’t imagine it.”

“I can’t help but think that I’m not meant to connect to anyone. A thousand to one chance that we get pregnant, and my body rejects it.” Even her stupid body wouldn’t form a connection. In fact, it destroyed the tenuous bond of baby and mother, nearly killing her in the process. That’s how completely she wasn’t meant to connect to anything. “Rejected it so completely that I—”

“Almost died on me!” His hands clutched at her arms, shaking her a little as he forced her to meet his gaze. His eyes were wide and glittering with unshed tears in the sun. “Is that what you really think?”

She shrugged, dropping her hands into her lap. “It makes sense.”

Digging the heel of his palms into his eyes, he laughed. The sound held no humor, just an explosion of wild laughter that sounded crazier and crazier by the minute. “I can understand being angry with God for taking away a baby, even not wanting a baby—but this?”

He scraped his hands through his hair, tugging it until she winced, reaching to stop him. “Jon—“

“Tessa, do you honestly believe that…” at a loss he shook head.

“It was my fault,” she whispered.

“You listen to me,” he growled, cupping her face in his hands until she looked at him. “Losing this baby was a tragedy. Just because you chose not to have children, doesn’t mean any of this was your fault.”

The tears dripped down her cheeks and around his fingers. “Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t want a child,” she swallowed and closed her eyes. She couldn’t watch the pain in his anymore. “Maybe I made it happen.”

His lips touched her cheeks, brushed over her eyelashes, her eyelids. “No,” he whispered. “God, no.” He leaned into her, his lips brushing hers as she tasted tears and Jon. There was no heat, just Jon...just the tenuous strands of something she’d thought was gone forever.

He slowly pulled back. “Why did you feel like you had to go it alone? What made you stop trusting me?”

She met his gaze this time. She owed him that much. “It’s hard to put it into words.”

“Try.”

“Put yourself in my position.” She touched his face this time. His scratchy beard prickled against her palm. “I loved you from the beginning—I love you still.”

He covered her hand with his. “I never stopped, either.” His voice deepened. “Ever.”

Her heart squeezed and tears filled her eyes again. “I kept telling myself that I was okay with keeping our relationship under wraps. That the fact that your family barely knew me…it wasn’t that big of a deal. Then, all of a sudden it didn’t feel real.”

“We are real.” His fingers tightened.

“It felt like a dream,” she sighed. “A wonderful, amazing, perfect little dream. Just you and me against the world. Except the world didn’t know about me.” When his eyes swirled with pain she pushed herself on before she didn’t say it at all. “That’s not even the important part—I didn’t care if the world at large knew I was yours, but the fact that your family didn’t really know…The most important part of you.” She swallowed, her voice cracking. “The most important part of you, was always separate from me.”

“No matter what you want to believe, know this…” He cupped the back of her head, his fingers almost punishing. “Me keeping you away from the kids and letting Dorothea set rules on us was all because I was selfish.”

She frowned when he lifted her chin until their eyes met. “You were being careful. I tried to understand, I really did.”

“No—I can make up every excuse in the book, but it was me who was being selfish. Do you know how long it’s been since I had anything that wasn’t shared in my life? With the reporters and paparazzi, with the record companies, with my ex-wife, with my kids—nothing has been just mine. Just a part of something that was for me, and only me.” His thumb traced her lower lip as his eyes drifted down to her mouth, then back up to her eyes. “I didn’t want to lose that.” He looked down again. “I hate myself for ever doing that to you. For making you think that we didn’t have something special because I wouldn’t share you with my kids—with the life that I’ve always taken for granted.” He pressed their foreheads together again. “You were one more thing I took for granted.”

His voice was rushed as he poured all of it out. Her chest felt tight and achy as his words sunk in. God, how had they come to this?

“But if you think losing the baby negates all the rest of it, you’re the one that’s running now. Connections are what we make, not what nature, what God,” his eyes were fierce, “what anyone gives us. I’m not letting you go.” He brushed his lips over hers. “Never again.” He mumbled it over and over as his kiss mingled with her tears.

~~

He broke the kiss and hauled her in, pressing his nose into her shoulder, into the lovely pear scent of her that would always be Tessa—his Tessa. He’d spent so much time worrying about how their relationship would affect his children, the life he’d spent years building and nurturing, that he hadn’t really thought about what it would do to Tessa. Always pushing the timeline back to suit him. Wanting to keep her to himself, then avoiding the conflict with Dorothea instead of putting Tessa first…even just once.

All the things he took from her, with only giving part of himself back to her. How could he expect her to do anything but deal with it on her own?

“I’m sorry,” he said roughly, holding her tighter. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” she said, twisting his t-shirt in her hands. “I know you didn’t mean to, Jon. And I kept telling you it was okay, but then the baby.”

“And then the baby,” he agreed.

“And I knew you were hurting. That even though that little person didn’t get to live long, you would have loved him or her.”

He wasn’t looking to start another family with anyone, but the baby would have been loved and would have become just as important, he was sure of it. “I would have,” he agreed.

“As much as I want to belong to you, to be a part of your life in every way…” she looked up at him, her spring green eyes flooded with tears. “I never wanted a baby,” she whispered. “How can you forgive that?”

“I have my babies.” He thumbed away a fresh wash of her tears. He’d never pray for them again. Watching his strong, beautiful Tessa cry wasn’t something he could live through again. Seeing just how destroyed she was made him ashamed to have even doubted how much she cared. “We’re enough—we’ve always been enough, Tessa. I only want you.” He pushed back the heavy fall of her hair. “I want us to work. I want my kids to fall in love with you.”

She shook her head, rolling back on the balls of her feet to stand up. “I’m not step-mother material, Jon.”

He stood, wincing at the bunched muscles that protested their curled position for so long. “My kids don’t need another mother.” When she folded her arms over her chest, he stepped closer and shook them loose. “I wouldn’t ask you to be a step-mother or surrogate mother or anything like that. I would hope you could be their friend someday.”

“You’d still want that, after all of this?”

“I can’t erase the mistakes I’ve made,” he linked their fingers, “or the mistakes we’ve made, but I love you. If anyone should beg for another chance, it’s me.”