4/07/2009

Chapter 154



She heard his heart rate increase just as everything around them stilled. No breeze, no gulls, just the ever constant surf against the rocks. When he tried to pull away, she held on, pressing her cheek tighter to him. She’d been alone for most of her life—even when her parents had been alive and her sister lived in the States, she’d never felt connected to anyone. Not until Jon.

No matter what they’d been through, there hadn’t been anyone quite like him. If they’d had just a little time to figure each other out, a chance to make the relationship work in the day to day—then maybe the miscarriage wouldn’t have felt so huge. “All I ever wanted to do was find a connection,” she said softly.

She felt his lips on her hair as his fingers smoothed down her back. “We are connected, Tessa. You have to know that.”

His voice was rough with emotion. They’d put each other through so much in such a short span of time. And yet, there he was, trying to make her feel better, even now. “Sometimes I believe that. I really do.” She sighed, tucking her hand under her cheek to feel the reassuring thud of his heart. “I never wanted kids.” His hand stopped at the lowest part of her back, where her shorts dipped and her shirt raised. Back and forth, just the tips of his fingers, along her skin, giving her the time and the benefit of the doubt to hear her out.

Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she forced herself to keep talking. “It wasn’t like I grew up in a bad home or anything like that. My parents were…” she trailed off, trying to find a word that would encompass the world she’d lived in for the first eighteen years of her life. “Well, they loved me. I know that they did intellectually, but emotionally,” she shrugged, “they weren’t big on affection.”

She remembered the days of study and the strictly planned vacations that were all about bettering one’s self. A weekend at Six Flags wasn’t an option with the Donovan family. Why would you do that, when you could go to the Smithsonian or the Met? A hug was held for special occasions. I love you’s were uttered in tasteful cards. She was a constant puzzle to her family. From the love she wanted to give, to the retail world she’d chosen over their expected academia.

He hugged her tighter. “I can’t imagine it.”

“I can’t help but think that I’m not meant to connect to anyone. A thousand to one chance that we get pregnant, and my body rejects it.” Even her stupid body wouldn’t form a connection. In fact, it destroyed the tenuous bond of baby and mother, nearly killing her in the process. That’s how completely she wasn’t meant to connect to anything. “Rejected it so completely that I—”

“Almost died on me!” His hands clutched at her arms, shaking her a little as he forced her to meet his gaze. His eyes were wide and glittering with unshed tears in the sun. “Is that what you really think?”

She shrugged, dropping her hands into her lap. “It makes sense.”

Digging the heel of his palms into his eyes, he laughed. The sound held no humor, just an explosion of wild laughter that sounded crazier and crazier by the minute. “I can understand being angry with God for taking away a baby, even not wanting a baby—but this?”

He scraped his hands through his hair, tugging it until she winced, reaching to stop him. “Jon—“

“Tessa, do you honestly believe that…” at a loss he shook head.

“It was my fault,” she whispered.

“You listen to me,” he growled, cupping her face in his hands until she looked at him. “Losing this baby was a tragedy. Just because you chose not to have children, doesn’t mean any of this was your fault.”

The tears dripped down her cheeks and around his fingers. “Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t want a child,” she swallowed and closed her eyes. She couldn’t watch the pain in his anymore. “Maybe I made it happen.”

His lips touched her cheeks, brushed over her eyelashes, her eyelids. “No,” he whispered. “God, no.” He leaned into her, his lips brushing hers as she tasted tears and Jon. There was no heat, just Jon...just the tenuous strands of something she’d thought was gone forever.

He slowly pulled back. “Why did you feel like you had to go it alone? What made you stop trusting me?”

She met his gaze this time. She owed him that much. “It’s hard to put it into words.”

“Try.”

“Put yourself in my position.” She touched his face this time. His scratchy beard prickled against her palm. “I loved you from the beginning—I love you still.”

He covered her hand with his. “I never stopped, either.” His voice deepened. “Ever.”

Her heart squeezed and tears filled her eyes again. “I kept telling myself that I was okay with keeping our relationship under wraps. That the fact that your family barely knew me…it wasn’t that big of a deal. Then, all of a sudden it didn’t feel real.”

“We are real.” His fingers tightened.

“It felt like a dream,” she sighed. “A wonderful, amazing, perfect little dream. Just you and me against the world. Except the world didn’t know about me.” When his eyes swirled with pain she pushed herself on before she didn’t say it at all. “That’s not even the important part—I didn’t care if the world at large knew I was yours, but the fact that your family didn’t really know…The most important part of you.” She swallowed, her voice cracking. “The most important part of you, was always separate from me.”

“No matter what you want to believe, know this…” He cupped the back of her head, his fingers almost punishing. “Me keeping you away from the kids and letting Dorothea set rules on us was all because I was selfish.”

She frowned when he lifted her chin until their eyes met. “You were being careful. I tried to understand, I really did.”

“No—I can make up every excuse in the book, but it was me who was being selfish. Do you know how long it’s been since I had anything that wasn’t shared in my life? With the reporters and paparazzi, with the record companies, with my ex-wife, with my kids—nothing has been just mine. Just a part of something that was for me, and only me.” His thumb traced her lower lip as his eyes drifted down to her mouth, then back up to her eyes. “I didn’t want to lose that.” He looked down again. “I hate myself for ever doing that to you. For making you think that we didn’t have something special because I wouldn’t share you with my kids—with the life that I’ve always taken for granted.” He pressed their foreheads together again. “You were one more thing I took for granted.”

His voice was rushed as he poured all of it out. Her chest felt tight and achy as his words sunk in. God, how had they come to this?

“But if you think losing the baby negates all the rest of it, you’re the one that’s running now. Connections are what we make, not what nature, what God,” his eyes were fierce, “what anyone gives us. I’m not letting you go.” He brushed his lips over hers. “Never again.” He mumbled it over and over as his kiss mingled with her tears.

~~

He broke the kiss and hauled her in, pressing his nose into her shoulder, into the lovely pear scent of her that would always be Tessa—his Tessa. He’d spent so much time worrying about how their relationship would affect his children, the life he’d spent years building and nurturing, that he hadn’t really thought about what it would do to Tessa. Always pushing the timeline back to suit him. Wanting to keep her to himself, then avoiding the conflict with Dorothea instead of putting Tessa first…even just once.

All the things he took from her, with only giving part of himself back to her. How could he expect her to do anything but deal with it on her own?

“I’m sorry,” he said roughly, holding her tighter. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” she said, twisting his t-shirt in her hands. “I know you didn’t mean to, Jon. And I kept telling you it was okay, but then the baby.”

“And then the baby,” he agreed.

“And I knew you were hurting. That even though that little person didn’t get to live long, you would have loved him or her.”

He wasn’t looking to start another family with anyone, but the baby would have been loved and would have become just as important, he was sure of it. “I would have,” he agreed.

“As much as I want to belong to you, to be a part of your life in every way…” she looked up at him, her spring green eyes flooded with tears. “I never wanted a baby,” she whispered. “How can you forgive that?”

“I have my babies.” He thumbed away a fresh wash of her tears. He’d never pray for them again. Watching his strong, beautiful Tessa cry wasn’t something he could live through again. Seeing just how destroyed she was made him ashamed to have even doubted how much she cared. “We’re enough—we’ve always been enough, Tessa. I only want you.” He pushed back the heavy fall of her hair. “I want us to work. I want my kids to fall in love with you.”

She shook her head, rolling back on the balls of her feet to stand up. “I’m not step-mother material, Jon.”

He stood, wincing at the bunched muscles that protested their curled position for so long. “My kids don’t need another mother.” When she folded her arms over her chest, he stepped closer and shook them loose. “I wouldn’t ask you to be a step-mother or surrogate mother or anything like that. I would hope you could be their friend someday.”

“You’d still want that, after all of this?”

“I can’t erase the mistakes I’ve made,” he linked their fingers, “or the mistakes we’ve made, but I love you. If anyone should beg for another chance, it’s me.”

28 comments:

The Goddess Hathor said...

*pounce* I think I got this pop in my google reader about 5 minutes after you posted :)

I'm glad Jon didn't just push away and leave, though I have to say, it would serve Tessa right after the way she shut him out for so long. But, he gave her a listen, and didn't judge. I love how he was unfailingly supportive; trying to get through to her that whether the child was wanted or not, the loss of the baby was not her fault.

The little speech there about how Jon never had anything just for him made me choke up a little. And the rush to correct his mistakes, the desire to make it better *sigh* it's just lovely.

I hope Tessa gives him -- THEM -- another chance and that she can forgive herself. For no matter what Jon tells her, she's always going to think it's her fault she miscarried. It'll always be a little niggle in the back of her head. She has to make peace with it before she can really heal.

This was a great, poignant chapter. Very emotional and raw. I think perhaps one of the most intimate scenes you've written. Brava.

~ Hath

Ryder900 said...

Great chapter, I am so glad it seems like they are going to try and work this out. You are truly amazing Tara!

Mystery Train said...

My God, the emotion in this chapter was unreal. I could see both of them standing there pouring their hearts out to one another. Fabulous. Finally they are on the road to healing and not before time. Loved the latest addition to the soundtrack too- really think this should be made into a film!!

Rike said...

Oh Tara, I'm sitting here in tears and there are a lot of used tissues on the floor.
I'm so glad they finally talk to each other, listen to each other.
And the song fits perfect, shit I need a new tissue.

Cindy aka Miss Moose said...

Finally they talk TO each other and not at each other. Now the healing can begin. Together they will be able to get thru this. Tessa also needs to get some professional help with her issues. This is a great chapter and story Tara.

alicefayenjbj said...

Okay my mom felt the same way with each baby she lost. It was her fault. But even thinking that they tried six more times after I was born.

I have cried a river of tears since she lost the baby.

the "Talk" finally happens and we can see is this grows or dies.

can't wait to read more.

AF

Anonymous said...

OMG. I loved it. Well worth the wait. I loved the part about "my babies". You know what that does to me. There's just something so sexy about a daddy loving his kids. I don't know why that does it for me, but it does. Now please let them work through all this pain and plan a baby. Thanks for what you do for us and for making our work week more bearable.
diane4jovi

Queenie said...

God Tara, I knew I shouldn't have read this at work, but I just couldn't not read it.

This was the most amazing chapter. I feel totally exhausted emotionally right now. I bet Jon and Tessa do too. That was a very intense but much needed conversation they had.

Maybe now that everything is out there, they can concentrate on building a future together.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Tara, this was so well written. I'm crying, again! I hope they can get back on track again now.

Vicki

TaraLeigh said...

Thanks everyone!

I hemmed and hawed about how I wanted to handle the confessionals. Between the both of them they've suffered enough, imho. Instead of anger...I really want them to talk.

There's more to this...a longer road to go.

But it's time for them to do things together.

Anonymous said...

"But it's time for them to do things together".
Yeah, like make a baby. LOL. Hint, Hint. I know, I know, they gotta grieve first and work thru some issues.
I won't even put my name here, you know who I am ;)

Super_Kiwi said...

Emotionally charged and delivered. I am so glad that they talked -- it was long overdue. The emotion in this chapter was nothing less than amazing and gutwrenching, particulary Tessa's talk about her family and Jon's talk of why he keot her hidden and how he tried to rush to fix things -- pulled at my damn heart strings. BIG time.

You've got a gift to write a male with so much emotion and not lose that masculine POV woman.

I could say so much more, but you know I already have ;) I know how hard you worked on this - and you should be damn proud. *muah*

Song again - incredible.

Judith said...

beautiful chapter Tara! One of your best!
And you couldn´t have find a better song, damn this made me start crying even before I could start reading...

simply amazing, you´re the best Tara!
I can´t wait for more

Btw, did you ever thought about making a script for a movie?
Ah well...I still have my visuals in my head, but just imagine...

Bayaderra said...

I don't know if there is anything I can add to all of the comments above!!! Wow Tara...just WOW!!!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely amazing chapter-so much emotion. Thank you for letting them really talk and listen to each other. You are a fabulous writer.

Bonnie

Anonymous said...

Yet another amazingly written chapter.
You really have a gift for writing.
Truly can't wait for the next one;)
J

Rike said...

is it possible to find a new chapter in our easter basket tomorrow? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steffi said...

Oooookay Tara, it's been 8 eight!!! days!
What do you think about an update???
Maybe tonight?
PLEEEEEEEASE ;-)))))

Rike said...

Tara, pleeaaaseeeeeeeee!!
I'm begging you for mercy.
post the next chapter, please, please, please, please

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm now joining the others in the plea for a new chapter. I'm now checking multiple times a day to see if it's up yet.

Rike said...

TARAAAAAAAAAAAAA, I'm a fanfiction junkie and I need my dope. ;)

Judith said...

It seems everyone is back to shouting at you Tara LOL
So I´ll join the chorus, hehe

MOOOOOOOREEEEEE PLEASEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

TaraLeigh said...

LOL Sorry everyone---had a bit of an off week for writing. Nothing seemed to sound remotely intelligent. LOL I hope to have a chapter up this weekend and then hopefully back on track.

Anonymous said...

I swear I am worse than a friggin' drug addict! LOL

It's after the weekend and I'll try to be patient but I'm not making any promises;P

TaraLeigh said...

You'll be happy to know that I'll be posting before I go to bed tonight.
Period.

And 3 chapters this week...including 155.

*crawls back into her word doc*

Anonymous said...

Thank you Tara. Love ya! Can't wait to see the next installments. :)

steffi said...

A new chapter before you go to bed tonight? hmmm.... i'm on the other side ob the ocean and have to got to work in 30 min. Maybe you can manage to post before i have to go??? Otherwise i don't know how to survive my workday!!!! Tara pleaseeeee

Anonymous said...

she never wanted a baby so she feels it is God punishing her with the loss of one....it makes sense - but she has to move on from that if she wants JON in her life.....


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