Chapter 157

The blood—it was all he could see. Each pounding sneaker-print in the sand, each pump of his arms should have pushed him past the memory, but it followed him like it was tethered. He’d been able to push down that memory for so long, but talking about it again brought it into high def reality.

Working hard to keep things on an even keel between them was the only thing that mattered. How was he supposed to function if that was in his head? How was he supposed to smile at a fan or an interviewer if all he could think about was her nearly lifeless body?

The unflinching reality of the loss of the baby was enough, but the fact that she’d nearly died in the process was almost too much to think about. He could live without seeing her every day, could live without touching her, he could even live with her decision to leave him—but not that. Never that.

The bittersweet edge of Memory was something he lived with each time he did a radio spot, a rehearsal, a promo—it was always in the back of his mind. The song that had meant so much to him that night—the reason he’d lost all concept of time. The night he’d almost lost her.

Sand kicked up, bouncing off the back of his thighs as he pushed harder. The baby hadn’t been nearly enough of an entity to hold onto the anger and the loss. It was the fact that she’d nearly died on him and that losing that baby seemed to have shredded some of the foundations he thought they’d been building.

Was it all pretty sandcastles, destined to be washed away with the first storm? Or was there something still there, between them, to hold onto? Just the thought of her not in his life was enough to weigh in on his answer.

Tessa wasn’t what he’d been looking for when he’d driven down Main Street in Red Bank. Who needed something that all-encompassing this late in life? He should be living out the dreams he had for his kids, the projects that surrounded his music and the philanthropic outlets he’d started, instead he fell stupid in love with her. Beyond reason, beyond intelligence, beyond hope—this woman was central to him now.

Falling in love at forty-five should be a helluva lot easier. Life lessons and experiences should count for something. Instead he made more of a mess with her than he did all through his twenties with Dorothea. Both of them made countless mistakes, but it was the running he couldn’t handle.

If he was willing to put in the effort, so should she. Knowing about her family dynamic shed a bit of light on things, but not enough to let her keep shutting him out. Part of it was his fault—he knew that the bubble he’d created with them was a fragile thing.

Could he let another woman be central to his life when it was so obvious she didn’t want to need him? The moment something awful happened, she shut down—shut him out. Even now, she wasn’t letting him in. The night he’d arrived had been a clash of desperation and mixed needs. Their bodies knew what each other needed, but their hearts were on two different wavelengths.

His thighs burned as he finally turned back for the house. The rain was coming down in sheets now, thunder rolled off the white caps of Long Beach Island. The familiar old and the new colliding again. This is where he’d originally brought his children, early on in his marriage. Before the Hamptons had become another home where he could schmooze when necessary and stay quiet when he wanted to forget about his status.

He’d forgotten the simple loveliness of New Jersey’s shore and the way it held onto him no matter how many times he tried to leave it. His breathing evened as he paced himself, the ugliness of the first few miles snapped back into a more regulated, routine run. The sky grew murky with an indeterminate time of day.

He couldn’t even say when he’d left and how far he’d run. Blind rage had fueled him for a long time. The houses looked the same in their staggered wealth from millions to hundreds of thousands. Yellow, blues, whites and greys all blended together as he pushed forward. Scanning the houses for the widow’s walk, he didn’t notice the other runner coming toward him until a familiar slash of red hair came into focus.

He slowed into a jog and then into a walk as Tessa’s lean legs and wide sneakered foot pounded into the sand. She still wore his thermal, though it was decidedly tighter and more interesting in its current rain soaked state. Tiny black running shorts hugged her hips and the tops of her thighs. She was all feminine grace and fragile strength. Want warred with good sense. Nothing was straightened out between them, yet the need for her was always there—always pushing in on him.

Instead of stopping, she ran full tilt into him. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her rain slick face buried in his neck. Catching her tight against him, he sucked back the quick surge of love and lust that was just barely banked.

“The only place I want to run to is you.”

His fingers threaded into her hair. The wet silk twisting and curling around his wrist as her ponytail came loose. She stepped back and looked up at him, her eyelashes starred with the dewy rain. Fresh faced and impossibly beautiful, he pressed his forehead to hers. “Why the change of heart?”

She stood up on her tiptoes, their lips meeting briefly. “I finally heard you.” Her eyes wet with tears or rain, he couldn’t quite tell. “I’ve been so wrapped up in my own fears that I didn’t hear you.” Her hand, fingers splayed wide, pressed against his chest. “My time in the hospital should have been a wake up call, instead all I could think about was how different we were. Your family versus my family, the kids, your life—all of it just didn’t seem to have room for me.”

His hand dropped to the small of her back. “Tess,” he sighed, pressing their foreheads together again. “How did we go so wrong?” He’d made just as many mistakes as she had. Selfish and stupid seemed to be the definition of their relationship. Not just him—her too. The idea that they’d loved so much and yet could tear each other apart was terrifying.

“Maybe we would have fixed things easier if the,“ she pressed her lips together and kept her gaze locked with his, “baby hadn’t tested us so completely. Maybe we would have found even ground eventually.”

“Love isn’t always enough, but I think we have what it takes.” He cupped her jaw. “I’m not an easy man, Tessa. Between my selfishness and my job, my kids and my family, I’m a bad bet.”

“Testing my instincts to run?”

He cupped her face as the rain whipped around them. Maybe he was testing her. Was it so wrong? “Giving you an out before you tear me into two again.” He frowned. He hadn’t meant to say that at all.

Her eyes did spill over with tears this time. “We’ve made so many mistakes. Maybe too many.”

His heart stopped. He wasn’t sure if it was the roar of the ocean or white noise in his own head. He saw her lips moving, but the wind kicked up and the ocean decided that was a perfect time to try and wipe out their slice of the beach. “What?”

“I don’t care.”

Was breathing optional? It felt like it just then. “Tessa.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want an out. I never want an out again.”

“Ever?”

“Even when you make me too crazy to speak, too afraid to stand still, or too angry to make sense of us.”

The strength of her voice gave him hope. Enough hope to smile down at her, to drag her into him until there was no howling wind, no rain and certainly no doubt. They were both all in for the first time in as long as he could remember. He locked their fingers together. “Sounds like a good start to some vows if you ask me.”

Her eyes jerked to his. “What?”

He just grinned at the bone white coloring on her face. Let her stew on that for a little while. “C’mon, the rain is ridiculous.” He started toward their private beach, but stumbled back when she didn’t move. Trying desperately not to laugh, he tugged her forward. “Let’s get back to the house.”

“Vows?”

“C’mon, I’ll race you.” He let go of her hand and lengthened his stride. Jogging backwards, he laughed. “You’re going to lose.”

She blinked, then caught up to him, her green eyes still dazed. “What?”

He waggled two fingers toward the packed sand. “Running…racing. You—me.”

She nodded and followed him, her pace definitely slower.

“Tessa!”

“I’m coming,” she scowled at him, and her pace finally matched his.

He swore he heard her growl the word vows again, but he was too busy laughing. They weren’t quite at the vows stage, but he figured he should plant a seed. If she stayed by his side, he wasn’t settling for anything less than forever now.